First Trimester Thoughts

I have heard that the first trimester is the hardest.  For me, I was super blessed and didn’t suffer from any sickness or anything that made me feel different at all other than knowing that I had a little baby growing inside of me.  It’s a weird thing, I really didn’t feel any different I just knew that right then and there I had to make lifestyle changes for my future baby.  

I started to look into natural skin care because whatever you put on your skin seeps inside your blood and body and this could have an effect on the developing baby. There are so many things that you have to change as a woman it’s like your whole life changes from that moment.  They tell you that you can’t eat sushi or anything raw, no coffee, no lunch meat, no alcohol, no smoking, you have to change your workout routine and so much more.  I also found out that you can’t put retinoids on your skin, no vitamin A and no PRP facials which was a part of my monthly skin care routine.  If I wasn’t already overwhelmed, I was worried that I my skin would begin to age at an accelerated rate because of all the changes and lack of my skin care routine – a small price to pay for the future child of mine.  So, I continue to stress out about the littlest things like not being able to eat the cheeses that I love.  I would slip up and have a few bites here and there knowing that in other countries people only eat cheeses and sushi and live totally different than Americans and they didn’t seem to have any issues with their children.  I felt that if I was constantly on my toes about things that I was eating that it was going to be the end of me and actually add more stress to the baby.  

Like I mentioned I really didn’t feel any different than I did before I was pregnant so it’s such a weird period of time of the pregnancy.  Now that I am looking back at the first trimester, it defiantly feels like the longest one!  I also worried that something was wrong with the baby since you cant feel anything at that point in time and that I had done something to hurt the baby or worse, cause a miscarriage.  I guess this fear came from a few months prior when I did experience an early miscarriage.  It was very early in the pregnancy but it wasn’t looking good from the beginning.  I did everything by the book, rested, no stress, relaxed and still when we went to the doctor to see if everything was going okay there was no heartbeat.  That is the worst feeling of all.  As a woman I felt that I had failed and done something to cause this.  I felt defeated.  Looking back at that time I mentally checked out.  It’s not only emotional on the woman but its stressful on your relationship. Even though my man is super supportive, I wondered if he would quietly blame me for something that was totally out of my control.  Then you begin to wonder if you’re able to even have children and I went down a rabbit hole of overthinking.  “Was I being punished for something that I did in my life?  Am I able to even hold a child?  Was I on birth control too long and it did something to my reproductive system? Was I healthy? Why was this happening to me?  Was it because I laid on my stomach?  Did this happen because I ate something that could have done this?”  

Reading thru this, I realize how silly my thoughts became.  All of these questions and emotions came and went for the weeks and months following.  In this stressful time the one thing that I did to overcome my mental state was to remind myself that nature has a way of doing things for reasons that we will never know.  Let’s say that I was able to carry that baby to full term and something was horribly wrong with the baby.  You never know why tragic things happen in the life but it always takes you to where you need to be and where you are supposed to be.  If I had that baby, then I wouldn’t be having this baby. I also began to realize how common this was in women. As soon as i started to talk to my close friends and family i realized more than half of the people have gone through this kind of loss. Some of the women went through things way more traumatic and devastating than i can even imagine. Just opening the conversation helps you heal and be able to realize that it really isn’t something to be ashamed of.

There are reasons out of our control and things that are not your fault that happen to make sure that you are heading in the direction.  Another thing that I did was to not replay this event in my mind.  I try to move on with things after I feel what I need to feel and go through the emotions that I need too and then pick up my pieces and put it behind me.  It’s also something that sadly is more common that you think.  These are just things that people never talk about for whatever reason.  I want to change that and take the stigma out of these conversations because the more open we are with our own experiences; we can help each other.  You are no alone even if you feel like this stuff only happens to you or are struggling, just start talking to your friends or people close to you and you will realize how common this is.  Remember it has nothing to do with you or anything that you did.  It is nature’s way of protecting you. Life brings things to you so that you can learn and grow and it always brings you to where you need to be.