First shoot back as a Mom
Coming into my 7th year of shooting SI Swim, I felt that it was like my first time all over again. I learned that the shoot would be in January and that the shoot was scheduled within a few weeks. This short notice of the shoot is not unusual, but I had just given birth in August and it was December at the time. This meant that I had a month to get myself as prepared as possible. So, just four months after having given birth to my first child I was going to be back in a bikini.
Of course, I was nervous and uncomfortable because of the comparison of how I looked before the baby and how I looked after the baby. To prepare for the other 6 SI Swim shoots, I would exercise intensely, focus more on healthy eating and drink a lot of water. For year 7, intense workouts were not going to happen. When you are a new Mom, there is not enough time in the day for everything you want to do so you have to prioritize. Baby is #1 priority. I always had a healthy diet. As I was breastfeeding, I ate differently to make sure I was passing the best nutrients on to my son. I rejected the notion of ‘dieting’ to shed a few pounds at the expense of my son’s health and growth. After considering how I was going to get in shape, I decided that I would just continue to try to eat healthy and workout, if I had the time. The baby was more important than looking like I did before having a baby.
Once I made that decision, I felt liberated. I knew this was going to be the most emotional shoot of my career. I’m not exactly sure how much weight I gained thru the pregnancy because I stopped checking my weight, even at the doctor visit. I know that I gained more than 80 pounds which put me over 200 pounds. My body wasn’t what it used to be. My skin was sagged and rolled, I have stretch marks all over, I had “diastasis recti”. This is a condition that sometimes happens during pregnancy where the abdomen is stretched and your belly sticks out. My hair was falling out from breastfeeding, and not to mention the hormones, that you didn’t even know you had seem to be out of control. Sounds like a crazy idea to get back into a swimsuit especially for the iconic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine but for me it was more than that. I decided to come back this year and shoot for all of the other women who may be feeling just like me, a little crazy and definitely not so good about myself. This year for me wasn’t about looking my best but for being strong, confident and a voice for all of the badass Mom’s out there!
In the past I thought skinny was beautiful. Now I know strong and healthy is where its at. I am lucky because for the past 7 years I can see how I was treating myself and go back down memory lane with the SI issues. I specifically remember the year I shot in Malta and how sick I was from E. coli. I had lost weight and I was super skinny, but I had no energy. In one of the photo’s for SI, I was in the water and had to run in place splashing the water around. This takes so much energy. I remember almost passing out because I had no food aka energy to make this photo. After this shoot when reviewing my photos I thought I looked the best ever but in reality it was the worst I have ever looked and felt. Looking back at this now I realized how looking good and feeling good should go hand and hand.
After George was born it was almost as if I, myself, was reborn. My entire world; perceptions, ideas, interests everything immediately shifted. I used to only be worried about what I looked like or what was the cool thing at the moment and my only purpose for living was for myself. George was the reason that I decided to thrive. I wanted to change the way I took care of myself, I wanted to be as healthy as possible to live a long life and set a good example for him. Children learn by doing not just by what we say. They mirror us so as a parent I feel its so important to follow through with things that I say and teach. Leading by example.
Having a baby, watching your body change so much during and after, learning to love your imperfections while taking care of another life is easier posted on instagram than done. hahah! I have been struggling with the new pressures that I had put on myself because of all the changes that I just did not expect. From wanting my toned body back to trying to make sure I was being the best Mom for my new son, I was exhausting myself even more than usual. I would see Instagram Mom’s that were back in shape in a matter of a week! Although, it is Instagram. I wonder how many Mom’s were actually back in shape or just photo shopped. I’m sure there are Mom’s that did rebound quickly, not me. This made me feel even worse about myself but thats when I realized that I should stay off the gram and get back into reality. What people post isn’t always reality, its all about what they want you to see not what’s really happening. I made a vow to myself that I would always be real and transparent.
Taking it day by day and step by step is the best advice. As a parent you learn things like ‘change of plan’. It’s when you think you were going to do a task or project that day might and it may not get done. You have to be okay with that. Learn to be flexible. In the past, everything was an issue. If something didn’t go as I planned it would really though off my whole vibe and most of the time I found myself giving up and feeling that I was not being my best. George has taught me that the follow through is the most important thing and thats where changes happen and are made . . .
It's crazy that someone so small and delicate could teach you so much about the world all at once.
SI 2020